SONG: # One day, we'll be married #
# Under midday sun #
# I swear, he was the only #
# I swear, the only one... #
Hello.
Well, you're paying the bills.
# Had enough, had enough #
# Have you misplaced all your faith and all your love? #
# You've been took #
# You've been had #
# You're the luck #
# Doing bad, yeah #
# In the palm of his hand #
# In the deminonde, in the gutters of his legs #
# You've been good #
# To yourself #
# Right now #
# You're in hell, yeah... #
Tippi?
Get out of there, Sean. It's too soon.
# One day we'll be married #
# Under midday sun #
# I swear, he was the only #
# I swear, the only one #
# I swear... #
Hello, Mel.
# The only one. #
Hi, Mum.
[ bang! ]
[ laughter ]
You're so funny. I can't believe it.
Oh, sorry, sweetheart. We were being so noisy.
We didn't wake you, did we?
Since when did you start smoking, Gillian?
I just took it up. I'm doing everything in reverse.
What are you doing?
Putting new buttons on.
I had a look around, but you don't appear to have a sewing kit.
No.
When it became clear you were both going to sleep the day away,
I popped up the street to get some.
Look! Quite a good match, don't you think?
Mmm. Marvellous.
- There's still a little tear. Here. - Thanks.
He must have been in a hurry, your friend.
Um, the light in the bathroom needs changing, Sean.
Now would be good, Sean.
What is she doing here?
I tried to call you. Your phone was off.
- Oh, Sean. - What? She wanted to see me.
Great - when you've got your own place,
you can have her over every second weekend.
I don't want her here. Can you imagine?
She'll be going through my cupboards, doing my darning.
I know. What a bitch, mending your shirt like that.
Look, Mel, she's only gonna be here a few days.
- A few days? - Yeah.
I'm going to stay in a hotel. I am. I'm going to stay in a hotel.
Come on. You play nice for a living.
- You can do this. - Shit.
Come on. Please?
If I'd looked in the fridge before I went out,
I would have gotten something for breakfast.
There's nothing in there except champagne.
We're not really a breakfasty household.
That makes sense given your working hours.
- So what's your excuse, Seany? - [ Sean laughs ]
I'm on leave, Mum.
The only appointments I'm taking over the next month
are with three-hat menus.
Speaking of which, I'm going to run.
Love you.
- 'Bye, Seany. - [ mouths silently ]
So, have you got any appointments today, Melanie?
Uh, yeah. I've got an appointment tonight.
Terrific.
That means you can come to the beautician with me. My treat.
- Oh, it's not necessary. - I know.
Really. I had a treatment just a few days ago.
So you can have a massage instead.
You really don't have to, Gillian.
I know I don't have to.
I want to. You're my daughter.
I think it's in the rules I'm allowed to spoil you occasionally.
Anyway, I've already booked.
Haven't you got beauticians in Sydney?
I didn't think I'd be an issue. But if it's such a trial...
It's OK. It's fine.
I'll go and have a shower.
Make it quick one. The salon's in Camberwell.
Camberwell? That's crazy!
Camberwell's the other side of the universe.
I know. That's why you'd better get a move on.
Cancel it. My girl will fit us in. She's just around the corner.
I don't want to go to your girl.
I made the booking there because that's where I want to go.
Really. Melanie.
Why does everything always have to be so difficult with you?
I'll just have a quick shower then, shall I?
[ phone rings ]
[ answering machine beeps ]
NAT: [ on answering machine ] It's me again.
I've tried the mobile sex times.
If you're serious about this thing, Sean,
you need to get really excited about recharging your phone.
So the details you need -
Hotel International, room 393.
The client's name is Alicia. She's fresh from a divorce.
[ hangs up ]
[ answering machine beeps ]
Fiona!
Yes, we did.
And?
What do you mean he couldn't go through with it?
What can I say? He loves you too much.
That's what he said?
That's what he said.
OK, how about when you get a break, we meet up?
OK, great.
- [ sighs ] - Is that really what he said?
Why?
Nothing.
What?
Why else wouldn't he want to cheat on her, unless he loved her too much?
I don't know. It's just...
If he wanted to get out of something and still look like a good guy,
it's a good line.
Why would he want to get out of having sex with me?
I don't know. No reason I can think of.
Good answer.
You ready?
As ready as I'll ever be.
Hello, you two. I'm Heather.
- I'm Jack. - Eloise.
Can we buy you a drink?
You can do just about anything you pay for in here.
Is that a yes?
Yeah.
Vodka, thanks.
So, you two...?
Married. Seven years.
Courted for 26 days and thought, "Fuck it, why not?"
So, what? You're at the seven-year itch?
Not really.
But this particular itch... You're right. It's a first.
For me, at least.
I gave it a scratch before we met.
ELOISE: I'm just catching up.
I thought, given this is a first for Eloise,
we might let you be in charge of initiation.
If that works for you?
Yeah. Most things work for me, Jack.
Showering - it's a standard protocol?
This is what you do every time, to everyone?
Mmm. Everyone. Even you.
So the shower, the health check... This is all standard procedure?
Mmm. Absolutely.
Although, to be honest with you, Jack,
there's not usually so much chat.
Really?
Really.
Great.
Were we meant to bring condoms?
No, no. That's all taken care of.
I'll be back in a second.
Hi! Gloves!
And scissors.
I wasn't quite prepared to do a woman today.
- LAUREN: How are they? - Um, not fugly!
And... inquisitive.
- LAUREN: Inquisitive? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Dental dam.
Charming.
Ohh.
Don't think I'll feel the same way about doing the dishes ever again.
Aha!
No!
Oh, no, no, no!
Oh!
- Is this OK? - Mm-hm.
Let's play cowgirls.
Is everybody comfy?
Mm-hm.
If you just...
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm hogging all the best bits.
Ow!
- Lou? - My neck.
I might just...
I'm not...
You... it's alright.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Really, it's cool.
Sorry I'm late.
The magistrate decides today is the day that the link
between traffic offences and the downfall of civilisation
needs to be explained.
I don't know how you hold your tongue.
I don't know how you hold yours.
So I don't know... All morning I've been worrying.
You must think I'm evil.
And maybe my expectations were too low.
It's just... it's a long story.
I'll pay you out, of course.
- Fiona... - No, no. I won't hear any argument.
This is the best outcome money an buy.
And you know what? I was thinking, "Screw work."
After these preselections are over, I'm going to take him away somewhere.
- Somewhere... - Fiona!
Here.
Huh.
At least he tried to resist.
So, what do you want me to do?
You were paid to be a distraction. Go be distracting.
Mum, you're about to have a facial.
It's the first thing they'll take off.
I've changed my mind. I'm gonna have a leg wax instead.
Right.
If you saw me in the street, how old would you say I was?
Is that a trick question?
God, I don't know, Mum.
You've got so much blush on,
I'm looking at you and I'm thinking 'lobster'.
I'm having a flush, if you must know.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Maybe we should just have lunch instead.
Whatever you want.
They're supposed to be very good.
I had to wait three months to get us in.
When I first called them, they said they weren't taking any new clients.
Let's go in, shall we?
Since we're here.
Thanks, Angelina. See you soon.
Oh! I'm feeling migrainey.
Um, you stay, sweetheart.
Enjoy.
What?
I don't know what I was thinking.
You were thinking about the deal you made with your wife, weren't you?
Weren't you the one who said, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her"?
What did you tell her about tonight?
- Your wife. - What does it matter?
I've been thinking since this morning too.
And if things were going to continue between us,
maybe I'd want some rules.
Maybe I'd like to make a deal too.
And I'm curious to know what it sounds like when you break one.
Don't look so worried.
It wouldn't be an unreasonable deal.
What sort of terms?
Well...
One wife, one mistress, is one thing.
'Cause I'm guessing we're convering different grounds.
Mm-hm.
One wife, many mistresses...
I'm not into being one of the crowd.
So...
Just so I know what to look out for,
what did you tell your wife about tonight?
I told her I had to fly to Tasmania to sort out some infighting.
- And she believed you? - I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know that I cared.
I can't believe I forgot to get sage.
I'm sure we'll survive.
I don't know where Sean is. The meat was ready half an hour ago.
Mmm.
So it's nice to finally see where you live.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
- The rent must be crippling. - I'm not renting. It's mine.
Oh, well, the mortgage, then.
No, I don't have a mortgage.
Goodness. Business must be booming.
I'll set the table, shall I?
Good idea. I'll go and freshen up.
- Hi! - Don't you smile at me.
What?
She's here to see you. Who has to entertain her all day? Me.
Well, did you have a nice day with her?
Yeah, yeah.
Traipsed halfway across the universe just to go to this spa - Angelina's.
She probably saw it in 'Gourmet Traveller'.
And then she freaks out! "I've got a headache, dearling. Can't go in!"
Yeah.
Don't 'yeah' me. You're on space cadet patrol tomorrow.
Hey, Mum!
Seany, baby, you're home.
- Ahhh! - Lovely! Just in time.
Really? I thought the meat was ready half an hour ago?
The rest will make it just perfect.
Isn't this nice?
So. Plans for this evening?
I'm working.
Sean?
Yeah, I might just pop out and see a friend, Mum.
Alicia, isn't it?
Someone called Nat rang and left a message.
Just out of a messy divorce?
Here I was thinking how nice it was
my children were spending time together.
But you were just here to get professional advice.
It's not that simple, Mum.
Things went pretty pear-shaped in Sydney,
and I mightn't get a job there any time soon.
I know. I rang your flatmate.
[ sighs ] I always thought you were wasting your talent.
You need to be your own boss.
I'm thinking this might get you started in something else.
But you've got to stop doing what you're doing now.
That's funny. I don't remember any offers to buy me out of damnation.
Melanie, I can't remember one time
when you could have been dissuaded from anything.
But it's not too late for Sean to take a different path.
Oh, so that's your pitch.
Take a different path from me.
I'll think about it, Mum. We'll talk about it later.
- OK. - No!
No, I think we should talk about it now.
I mean, if that's seriously her pitch, to save your soul,
I think she needs to do better than that.
- See? - See what?
- What, Gillian? - Nothing.
I'm sorry I mentioned it. I didn't mean to upset you.
Right. That's the bit that I find kind of hard to buy.
I mean, what did you think would happen,
having a family discussion about how Seany here could avoid
the same disastrous choices that I've made?
You're right. It was thoughtless of me.
I guess I just assumed you were comfortable enough with your choices
that you wouldn't need to get quite so defensive about it.
Come on. Back me up here, Sean.
Could you imagine if I went over to their house
and started warning people about the dangers of open marriage?
Oh, when was the last time you came to our house?
Was it '98 or '99?
Don't change the subject, Gillian.
Either way, Melanie, it's not the same thing.
Is it, Seany?
GILLIAN: Plans for this evening?
MELANIE: I'm working.
Melanie, it's not too late for Sean.
What you do, what you're encouraging Sean to do -
there's no respect in that.
[ snorts ]
Everything alright?
Yeah. Why?
You snorted.
- Did I? - [ both laugh ]
GILLIAN: People can fell dishonesty, Mel.
Ugh! [ coughs ]
Where are you?
I'm here in the spa with the world's greatest psychiatrist.
Don't patronise me, Mel. I've been seeing you too long for that.
I'm not, Reuben. I'm not.
So tell me where you are.
I'm here.
Hey. Hey.
Where are you going?
It's 11:30. Let's call it an early mark.
Reuben!
She'll be down in 10 minutes.
[ phone hangs up ]
[ phone beeps ]
Nuh.
GILLIAN: Mel.
What is it, Gillian?
I hate it when we fight.
We always fight.
It's because we're so similar.
Mellie...
I don't want to do this anymore, Gillian.
Your father and I are getting a divorce.
What?
Why?
Because it's time.
'Cause we had a good innings.
Because all relationships run their course.
Shit! [ laughs ]
Not exactly the brand if empathy I was hoping for.
Sean's organised for me to see a lawyer.
Sean knew?
I'm meeting her tomorrow, so I'll be out of your hair soon enough.
You can stay as long as you need.
Shit. How's Dad?
Sorry. You alright?
- I'm fine. - Really?
It's a divorce, Melanie, it's not cancer.
But you were married for 30 years, Mum.
It's not exactly a skinned knee either, is it?
Don't you think you should get some rest?
You must be exhausted. You've been working all night.
- Good morning. - Hmm, it is.
You're staring.
Just remembering what it's like to be young.
Oh, very cute.
Maybe if we'd known each other then...
...we'd be together even still.
Hmm. Not you.
You're the kind of woman that leaves men like me.
Is that what you want?
Someone who doesn't stay around. Is that why you're here?
I'm here because I think you're worth the risk.
- And I make you feel young. - [ both laugh ]
- Hello, love. - [ Heather and Chloe laugh ]
I never took you for one of those positive-affirmation types.
Oh, you don't know half the kinky shit that I get up to, Chloe.
One of your threesome is back. In the bar.
Oh, God, don't tell me - he's never had sex like it before in his life.
- It's her. - What does she want?
She wants to talk.
No, I can't do it.
Can't do the virgin bisexual counselling. Not today.
Not dressed like that, you can't.
Seriously, I can't do it.
Tell her I've gone to Bolivia.
Hello.
I know it's early, but... so...
I'm...
Jack and I weren't entirely up-front with you yesterday.
Let me guess -
you're journalists and you're writing an article
on how to spice up your love-life?
[ laughs ]
Worse.
We're researching our thesis.
We're looking at how couples are affected
when a third person enters their sexual relationship.
And we figured the best control study was us.
And we... experimented with you yesterday without your permission
and that felt kind of wrong.
Hmm. And here I was worried you weren't having a good time.
I felt bad.
Before we got here, I felt OK about keeping it a secret,
but then we met you and you were so real...
...so beautiful.
Why are you here now?
Because we want your input.
- We want to interview you. - [ laughs ]
Include your feedback in our work.
Have you ever done this to anyone before?
Not this.
Our other research project was about the impact of ecstasy on the brain.
[ laughs ]
I handed in a 90,000-word thesis I have no memory of writing.
- [ laughs ] - None whatsoever.
We really went crazy.
But hey, we had a great dance.
I'm sure you think we're complete nuts,
but we'd like to see you again.
We'll be in touch.
Alright, I'm gonna give you a call back.
OK, bye-bye.
You sent me a message last night.
Ah, I got a call from Reuben
and he was pretty upset.
[ laughs ]
Reuben wouldn't know 'upset'
if it crawled up his backside and bit him on the small intestine.
Mmm. Well, he doesn't want to see you anymore.
Oh, thank God for that.
He asked me for a recommendation and I was going to recommend Chloe,
which would keep his money in the family, at least.
You've, um... you've only spoken to Reuben on the phone, haven't you?
- Hmm. - Yeah, um...
Reuben... How can I say this?
He's not your average punter.
He likes, um... he likes to...
He wants intelligent conversation.
Well, he only had one request.
He wants someone with a sense of humour.
- Hey. - Hey.
Did Nat talk to you about Reuben?
Because I won't do it if you feel uncomfortable.
No, really, you have no idea the kind of favour you're doing me.
Oh, no. What? He's psychotic?
- [ laughs ] - Smelly? Morbidly obese? What?
No, no, no. Reuben...
Reuben just needs a blow-up doll that will nod and smile
no matter what crap comes out of his mouth.
Well, it's not the worst gig I've ever had.
Yeah. I'm sure he's gonna love you.
[ scoffs ]
I just feel like a mistress, and that's not who I am.
- Fiona. - I'm thinking it through.
Well, maybe you'd like to think it through a little bit less,
because if you're pegged yourself as some sort of Hillary figure
shuffling pieces on a chessboard,
then you find someone else.
If he was going to have another affair,
I'm glad it was with someone like you.
He is havng an affair with me.
And maybe if you hadn't dangled me under his nose
he wouldn't be doing it at all.
I'm not sure you'll be able to understand this, but...
When I found out about the affairs, we made a deal.
They had to stop or I'd leave.
And they did stop.
But then...
...something happened to me last year.
One day everything was fine, all systems functioning...
It was as though someone crept in during the night and...
...turned me off.
So you see, it's understandable that the deal has become unworkable...
...that he needs comfort.
I've tried everything you can think of.
You've got no idea.
But...
And every night I go to bed...
...praying that something will flick the switch.
No desire at all?
Not a peep.
I love him.
I want to grow old with him.
My husband had an affair.
His prize was a lot younger. [ laughs ]
It probably won't make you feel any better...
...but that it's you, it's made me feel better.
He's not looking for someone younger
or someone so very different to me.
He's just looking for a version of me that's functioning.
[ door opens ]
[ footsteps ]
SEAN: It's very generous of you, Mum.
GILLIAN: You don't know how happy this has made me.
[ laughs ]
What are you two scheming at?
Sean's decided to take me up on my offer.
Oh, goody.
Maybe now you can find him a nice girl who's into open marriages too.
Bitterness is bad for your skin, Melanie.
I'm sorry, did that sound like bitterness?
It was meant to sound like
"sick to death of being judged in my own fucking home".
And she wonders why I come to you.
I don't wonder that.
No, I wonder why having shoved
every sordid detail of your life down my throat,
you suddenly shut down when things turn to shit.
[ laughs ]
Really, the way she tells it,
it's like we kept you in a closet and beat you with sticks.
- SEAN: Mel. - No, don't... don't 'Mel' me, Sean.
You weren't the one who had to sit next to her on the lounge
while Dad screwed someone else in their bed,
tucked away in your little private school for sensitive children.
Yeah, righto, Mel...
No, you never had to walk in on
some strange guy flushing condoms down the toilet
telling you he was such good friends with your mummy.
So don't 'Mel' me, Sean. Don't you dare 'Mel' me.
We were trying to be honest with you. I'm not ashamed of that.
I was a little kid, Gillian.
I needed to be treated like a little...
[ clears throat ] I don't even know why I'm talking about...
Not everything's about you, Melanie.
You're right. It's not.
But let's not pretend it's about Sean either, shall we?
Oh, you think this is about me?
Honestly, the things you come up with!
Come on, Gillian.
I mean, one child prostituting themselves,
sure - you can write that off as a freak of nature.
- But both kids? - Yeah, OK. Righto, Mel.
No, Sean, can't you see?
Can't you see that this is what the money is for?
Isn't it, Mother?
It's to pay her out of feeling shame.
Let's leave the pop psychology
to someone whose qualifications are above the waist, shall we?
Is it so wrong I want something good for you,
that I want you to be safe?
I am safe, Gillian.
I don't whore my heart out to every Tom, Dick and Harry
who thinks having a little chat with me before you have a screw
is squaring it off.
Tell me this is something you'd want for your child.
I'm not childless by accident, Mother.
NAT: [ echoing ] Mel...
...is everything OK?
Yeah, I think we should call you a cab, Mel.
[ crash! ]
I'm sorry.
Hello.
I just need to have a quick word with Reuben.
You don't mind if I have a quick word with Reuben, do you?
No.
- Is everything alright, Mr Lional? - Fine, thank you, James.
Mel, maybe you want me go home and call me in the morning.
[ laughs ] You shrinks.
You have to watch them.
Always ready to put words in your mouth.
Madam.
I just want to talk to you for two minutes. Please?
Tomorrow, when you're sobered up.
- Mel? - What?
I didn't ask your opinion, Chloe.
Why don't you just sit there and nod and smile?
JAMES: Madam, I will have to ask you to leave now,
otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to call security.
- Right. - Please.
Don't! Don't you touch me.
Perhaps I could summons you a taxi.
You, my friend...
...can go fuck a saucepan and call it Maisie for all I care.
[ laughs ]
Hello. [ snaps fingers ]
[ sighs ] What is it with you people?
What are you, working on the sly,
getting commissions from cab companies or something?
- [ laughs ] - [ clears throat ]
I'm not going home, Chloe.
I'm not sending you home, Mel.
We're gonna go get some food.
And what would I be going to eat for?
'Cause it will help you stand up straighter.
What about Reuben?
I'm sure he'll get his head around it.
[ car engine runs ]
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Feeding me chips in the middle of the night
because I make a mess of myself.
[ laughs ] Well, worked on Bonnie the week before she left.
And on me the week before that.
She's lucky. You're lovely.
You are a lovely, lovely mum.
[ laughs ]
Well, I'm not sure Bonnie would agree with that, but thank you.
Maybe daugthers are ungrateful sons of bitches till it's too late.
Daughters of bitches.
Daughters of bitches. [ laughs ]
- Let's sit. Come on. - [ burps ]
Ooh. You OK?
Sit.
She's doing my head in.
She has no idea.
She just... pauses and inverted commas, you know.
"Mel's working."
"Mel's got 'an appointment'."
[ sighs ]
She just doesn't get it.
She doesn't get that I'm... good.
Just...
I've been working really hard and she...
She doesn't get that I pick them.
I pick them, it's not the other way around.
I'm not a service station, Gillian.
There's no pull in, pump a little, pay at the checkout with me.
Careful, Mel.
Oh, no, not you.
You're... you're lovely.
I don't even know why I care.
- 'Cause she's your mum. - [ sighs ]
[ burps ] Excuse me.
Have a chip.
[ slurs ] I can't even eat them.
Ohh.
OK. [ breathes loudly ] Just breathe.
Deep breaths.
- Hmm? - [ exhales ]
FIONA: If he was going to have another affair,
I'm glad it was with someone like you.
LAUREN: He is having an affair with me.
And maybe if you hadn't dangled me under his nose
he wouldn't be doing it at all.
Morning.
You alright?
Ohh, this job's impossible.
Your life is very weird. Who is this guy anyway?
Terence O'Neil.
Am I supposed to know who that is?
Probably not...
...considering you don't give a shit about politics.
- Don't tell me he's a politician. - OK, I won't.
Are you crazy?
Don't you think you should have mentioned that minor detail
before you brought him into our home?
What difference does it make?
I have an aversion to politicians.
Since when?
Since my father became one.
- Your father was a politician? - No, but you take my point.
I just wanted it to seem like an authentic relationship.
Well, take your 'authentic relationship'
and stick it in a hotel room, please.
Gillian?
Gillian.
Mum?
[ groans ]
Did you know about this court order?
[ clears throat ] Angelina Farris.
She's the beautician.
Yeah.
She's one of Dad's special friends.
Mum's been pestering her a bit on the phone lately.
How much is 'a bit'?
Oh, 5, 10 times a day.
He wants a divorce so he can marry Angelina.
So he can be monogamous.
After 30 years, Dad wants to be monogamous?
Yeah.
Mum just wanted to see what she had that was so incredible, you know,
to make him turn his head around.
She wasn't even going to say who she was, she just...
...she just wanted to see.
And even if she was so much prettier or so much younger,
then maybe she'd be a brainless twat.
And she's got her shit together.
Suddenly it's real, you know.
He's really leaving her after all those years.
Don't just blame Dad, Sean, OK.
- She played her part in this. - Come on, Mel.
Well, then, why the bullshit sotry about everything being hunky-dory.
SEAN: You're the only one who gets the bullshit stories.
MEL: [ scoffs ] She's incredible. She's done it again.
- Done what? - This is the best one so far.
- I will give her that. - Best what, Mel?
Mum - she storms in here, takes the scissors to my life,
and still somehow manages to come up with the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.
- [ scoffs ] - Why do you need her to be a monster?
I don't need her to be anything,
except maybe in another postcode.
Really? You're not looking for someone to blame
for how your life's turned out?
I'm quite happy with my life, thank you very much.
Yeah, see, when I got here, you tried to talk me out of escorting.
If you're so happy with how your life's turned out -
I mean, if you love what you do - why try to talk me out of it, Mel?
Because it's my mess, Sean.
And just for once in your life, I want you to get your own.
That's why you need Mum to be a monster, isn't it?
'Cause then you've got an excuse for everything, don't you Mel?
So, who's the monster?
Captioned by Grantman Brown